i just wanna soil my oats bro
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
