I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
