Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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