I just pynch a tree in the face
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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