he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
