i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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