I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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