Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
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