He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
