The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
