she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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