guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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