we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
two words...techno handjob
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
