i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you had me at cake vodka
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
