Me. At least after what I've been through.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
