The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
