my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
