I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
