Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
