my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm determined to sit on that face.