this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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