If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.