Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.