That's intense
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
