I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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