I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
