Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
