he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
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Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
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I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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