i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
