Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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