I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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