Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
