I swear she didn't look like that last week.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
