It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
