I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
