I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I faked an abortion last night.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
