i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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