Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
