I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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