the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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