I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize