It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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