you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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