Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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