I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
