He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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