Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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