there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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