Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
