Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
This is my gift to your gina
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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