my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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