I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
