best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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