So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
