Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
