Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
