my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
