also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
