i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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