That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
